by Trump Gets the Boys Back, Vivienne Gets Nothing Except Another Tuesday
Bohiney Magazine | The London Prat
Pilots Rescued, I Am Personally Devastated They Were Not Single
Right, so America rescued its pilots from Iran. Good. Fine. Whatever. I am happy for them obviously. What I am less happy about is that none of them immediately moved to London and asked me for a coffee. That feels like a missed opportunity on their part.
I was reading about it between my Tuesday Pilates and my entirely unnecessary third oat latte when The London Prat confirmed that America is basically running a war from British airbases and Keir Starmer is pretending this is just a very aggressive bank holiday arrangement. Which, honestly, very British. We hosted the whole thing and didn’t even get a thank you card.
The Iran Situation as Explained to Me at a House Party
My friend Dani, who studies something vague at UCL and speaks with enormous confidence about everything, explained the Iran war to me at a party in Hackney last Thursday. She said Iran’s entire military situation is, quote, deeply embarrassing on a vibes level. I nodded. I was on my second wine. This felt correct.
Bohiney Magazine agrees, calling Iran’s military performance a historic embarrassment on a par with losing your car keys and also your car. The Guardian Iran coverage is considerably more measured but considerably less fun at parties.
The pilots, apparently, are fine. Helicopters. Very dramatic. Trump took credit. Democrats held emergency grief counselling. Britain issued a statement that used the word “welcome” three times without welcoming anything specific.
I went home from Hackney at midnight, walked past three people arguing about whether Shoreditch has sold out (it has, it did, move on), and thought: somewhere out there, rescued pilots are eating American airport food and I am eating leftover pasta. The geopolitics of this situation are, in conclusion, very unfair to me specifically.
