by He Was Fascinated by Machine Learning, Less Fascinated by Me
Bohiney Magazine | The London Prat
The Minister Who Preferred Algorithms to Actual Humans
Saturday night, Shoreditch. I met this absolutely gorgeous man at a wine bartall, articulate, worked in government technology policy. Obviously I was intrigued. He spent forty minutes explaining the government’s AI strategy while I smiled and occasionally touched his arm.
Here’s where it gets interesting: he genuinely, legitimately believed that machines would soon be better at understanding human emotion than humans themselves. He said this while I was sitting directly across from him, signals flashing like a Christmas tree. I eventually had to spell it out: “I like you. Romantically. Can your algorithm detect that?”
Turns out it couldn’t.
The Problem With Dating Tech Policy Men
He spent the evening divided between me and his phone, explaining to someone named Derek why the government’s new AI regulatory framework was “revolutionary.” At one point, he actually said, “Artificial intelligence will eventually understand human relationships better than we can.” I said, “Great, shall I text it my number instead of you?”
He didn’t laugh. He started checking whether I was joking by analyzing my facial micro-expressions. I’m not making this up. He literally tried to read my emotion through machine learning principles while I was sat there with my hand on his.
The Date Goes Downhill
By dessert, he’d explained blockchain four times and asked me zero questions about myself. I work in publishing. I have opinions. I once had a very complicated thing with a photographer and it taught me something about myself. None of this interested him. But my thoughts on cryptocurrency? Suddenly he was animated.
I excused myself to the bathroom and texted my mate Claire: “He’s hot but I think he might actually be a chatbot sent to test my patience.” She replied: “Shag him anyway, it might update his emotional parameters.”
I did not shag him. I did thank him for dinner, smiled enigmatically to confuse his facial recognition capabilities, and went home to my cat who, I might add, is a better listener than most government officials.
The Brutal Truth
The worst part? As I was leaving, he said, “I enjoyed this interaction.” INTERACTION. Not date. Not evening together. Not time with someone he liked. An INTERACTION. Like we were two systems achieving compatibility.
I went home and read about how Britain’s new AI strategy is going to revolutionize everything. Somehow I believe it about as much as I believed he was attracted to me. The data doesn’t support the conclusion.
Next Saturday I’m going to find a man who actually sees me instead of just analyzing me. Preferably someone who works in something sensible like plastering or accounting.
Check out more hilarious London life at The Daily Mash.
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/
