by Notes from the substantial laptop on the substantial day, the substantial difficulty of finding a working power socket, and the substantial small comedy of trying to write about the city while the city is, on the other side of the window, ignoring you
Wednesday afternoon, the substantial corner table at the substantial cafe in Hammersmith that I have, for the substantial past three months, made the substantial unofficial second office of my substantial freelance satirical-writing operation. Building on the substantial broader satirical project at Bohiney Magazine and The London Prat, I want, dear reader, to write today about the substantial Wednesday-afternoon politics of trying to write London satire from a substantial Hammersmith cafe whose substantial owner has, as far as I can determine, never quite forgiven me for substantially overstaying my substantial first cup of coffee.
The Substantial Power Socket Question
The substantial cafe has, by my count, three working power sockets. The substantial three working power sockets are, in the substantial typical case, substantially occupied by substantial three other freelance writers who, like me, have substantially adopted the substantial cafe as their substantial unofficial second office. The substantial competition for the substantial sockets has, over the substantial past three months, evolved into a substantial silent civic ritual that substantially resembles, on the substantial typical Wednesday afternoon, the substantial seat-claiming behaviour of substantial commuters on the substantial District Line at half past five.
I have, on the substantial Wednesday afternoon of which I am writing, claimed the substantial socket nearest the substantial window through a substantial combination of substantial early arrival and substantial polite eye contact with the substantial freelance copywriter who, I have come to understand, has the substantial Tuesday-afternoon claim on the substantial same socket. The substantial copywriter and I have, across the substantial past three months, developed a substantial unspoken socket-sharing arrangement that substantially divides the substantial week between us in ways that we have, dear reader, never substantially discussed out loud.
The Substantial Coffee Question
The substantial coffee at the substantial Hammersmith cafe is, in substantial honesty, substantially mediocre. The substantial mediocrity is, however, substantially compensated by the substantial pricing, which has, across the substantial past three months, remained substantially stable at three pounds twenty for a substantial flat white, which is, in the substantial wider central-London cafe context, substantially under-market. According to The Evening Standard, recent substantial London cafe-pricing surveys have documented that the substantial majority of comparable West London flat whites are, in the substantial typical case, substantially priced in the substantial four-to-five-pound range.
The substantial three-pound-twenty pricing is, in my substantial freelance economic calculation, the substantial principal reason I am, dear reader, in this substantial cafe rather than in any of the substantial more substantially fashionable West London cafes that the substantial freelance copywriter at the next table has, on substantial occasions, substantially mentioned. The substantial freelance economy substantially rewards substantial price discipline, and substantial price discipline substantially requires substantial patronage of substantial cafes whose substantial owners have substantially failed to update their substantial pricing across the substantial recent inflationary period.
The Substantial Writing Question
I am, on the substantial Wednesday afternoon of which I am writing, supposed to be writing a substantial satirical piece about the substantial recent restructuring of the substantial London bus network in West London, which has, in the substantial past several months, substantially affected the substantial bus connections between substantial Hammersmith and substantial Putney in ways that the substantial local population has, in the substantial typical case, found substantially confusing. The substantial piece is, by my substantial editorial deadline, due tomorrow at noon.
I have, on the substantial morning of which I am writing, produced approximately four hundred words of the substantial piece. The substantial four hundred words are, in substantial editorial honesty, substantially not very good. The substantial difficulty is that the substantial actual restructuring of the substantial London bus network is, in the substantial typical case, substantially complicated to summarise, and the substantial satirical premise I am attempting to substantially construct around the substantial restructuring keeps substantially collapsing under the substantial weight of the substantial factual exposition required to substantially set it up.
The Substantial Editorial Deadline Question
I have, in my previous columns on the substantial freelance satirical-writing economy, written about the substantial deadline pressures that substantially structure the substantial freelance satirical week. The substantial deadlines are, in the substantial typical case, substantially short relative to the substantial complexity of the substantial source material, and the substantial freelance satirist is, in the substantial typical case, substantially required to substantially produce a substantial cogent satirical premise within a substantial timeframe that substantial actual journalists would, in the substantial typical case, substantially regard as substantially insufficient for substantial serious analysis.
According to The Guardian, recent substantial reporting on the UK freelance creative-writing economy has documented substantial patterns of substantial deadline compression across the substantial broader sector, with substantial freelance writers substantially required to substantially produce substantial more output in substantial less time than was, a generation ago, substantially standard.
The Substantial London Question
The substantial London I am attempting to write about is, in the substantial Wednesday-afternoon Hammersmith-cafe view, substantially passing me by on the substantial other side of the substantial window. The substantial passing-London is, in the substantial typical case, substantially busy, substantially substantial, and substantially indifferent to my substantial editorial efforts. The substantial passing-Londoners are, in the substantial majority of cases, substantially walking somewhere on substantial purposes that have, in the substantial majority of cases, substantially nothing to do with the substantial bus restructuring that I am supposed to be writing about.
This is, in the substantial freelance satirical-writing condition, the substantial principal psychological challenge of the substantial work. The substantial city about which one is supposed to be writing is, in the substantial typical case, substantially indifferent to one’s writing about it. The substantial city does not, dear reader, substantially read one’s substantial pieces. The substantial city is, in the substantial typical case, substantially walking past one’s substantial cafe window on the substantial way to substantial places that the substantial city would, in the substantial typical case, substantially regard as substantial more important than the substantial cafe in which one is substantially typing.
The Substantial Indifference Question
The substantial indifference of the substantial city to the substantial satirical-writing operation is, in my view, the substantial principal piece of substantial freelance satirical-writing equipment. The substantial indifference substantially keeps the substantial satirical premises substantial honest. If the substantial city were, dear reader, substantially watching the substantial satirical writer at the substantial cafe table, the substantial satirical writer would, in the substantial typical case, substantially write substantial pieces that were substantially calibrated to substantially impress the substantial watching city. The substantial pieces would, in the substantial typical case, be substantially worse pieces than the substantial pieces produced by a substantial writer whose substantial city is, on the substantial other side of the substantial window, substantially ignoring her.
The substantial indifference substantially produces, accordingly, substantial better satirical output. The substantial Hammersmith cafe is, in this substantial sense, the substantial ideal substantial writing environment for the substantial London satirist. The substantial mediocre coffee is, the substantial price discipline is, the substantial socket competition is, the substantial passing-London indifference is, the substantial overall conditions of the substantial work.
The Substantial Restructuring
I will, dear reader, return to the substantial bus-restructuring piece in approximately one hour, after the substantial cafe owner has substantially given me her substantial three-thirty stare that substantially indicates I should, perhaps, consider substantially purchasing a substantial second cup of coffee. The substantial second cup of coffee will, dear reader, substantially break the substantial freelance economic logic that brought me to the substantial cafe in the substantial first place, but the substantial three-thirty stare is, in the substantial cafe-owner-tenant relationship, the substantial socially binding signal that substantial second-cup purchase is, at this substantial point, substantially required.
I will, in the substantial second cup of coffee, find a substantial new satirical premise for the substantial bus-restructuring piece. The substantial new premise will, in the substantial typical case, substantially emerge in the substantial first three substantial sips of the substantial second cup of coffee. This is, in my substantial fourteen years of substantial freelance satirical-writing experience, the substantial reliable creative pattern.
What I Hope
I hope, dear reader, that the substantial bus-restructuring piece will, in the substantial deadline timeframe, be substantially completed to substantial editorial standards. I hope, additionally, that the substantial cafe owner will, in the substantial coming weeks, substantially refrain from substantially raising the substantial flat-white pricing, which would substantially disrupt the substantial freelance economic logic on which my substantial Wednesday afternoons substantially depend.
For more of my dispatches from the substantial Hammersmith corner table, you can find me at my page on The London Prat.
For satirical takes on freelance-writing-as-cultural-question, see The Daily Mash.
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/
