by Londonist lists rinks opening from 31 October to 19 November, and I rate my chances, which are low
Skate Diary: Five Ice Rinks, One Pair of Ankles and a Plan to Fall Over in Style at Somerset House
Londonist lists rinks opening from 31 October to 19 November, and I rate my chances, which are low
By Vivienne Pratfall, satire writer, prat.uk
Monday, 11pm, Face Mask On
Dear diary, the rinks are coming. Londonist lists the ice rink opening dates for 2026: Skate Leicester Square on 31 October, Glide at Battersea Power Station on 6 November, Skate at Somerset House on 11 November, the Queen’s House rink in Greenwich on 18 November and the Hampton Court Palace rink on 19 November.
I have been on ice once. I went round the edge holding the barrier and screaming. A small child overtook me, and a man with a beard asked if I was all right in the voice people use for a stranded cat.
My Strategy
This year I have a plan. I will go to the rink with Priya, who skates well and can be used as a human railing. I will wear gloves, because falling without gloves is a rookie mistake. I will keep my knees bent, which a YouTube video told me, and I have no reason to doubt it.
I will also book. Rinks usually require a booked session, and I would hate to turn up with a head full of ambition and be told the next slot is Thursday.
Why Somerset House
I like Somerset House because it has a courtyard and because I can pretend I am in a film where someone has good hair. I do not have access to the rink’s prices or terms, since the Londonist page lists dates only, so I will check the rink’s own site.
I will report on the hot chocolate, which is the real review.
The Other Rinks
Glide at Battersea Power Station opens on 6 November and looks like the sort of place where I would feel underdressed. Leicester Square opens first, on 31 October, which means it will be full of people who started their Christmas on Halloween. The Greenwich and Hampton Court rinks are at historic sites, according to the dates Londonist lists, which means more photographs and more pretentiousness.
I intend to try more than one. I will see if my ankles agree.
Rules of the Ice
Move in the same direction as everyone else. Do not stop in the middle. If you fall, get up quickly, because the person behind you has a plan and it involves your fingers.
If you are with a friend who is better than you, do not hold her hand. Hold the rail. Her hand has its own ideas.
Fashion Report
There is a thing about skating that nobody mentions: your jumper will fall off your shoulders and you will not be able to fix it. I have therefore chosen a cardigan with buttons. This is the most practical decision of my short life.
My silver beret is staying in the bag. It has been told.
A Word of Gratitude
I would like to thank the staff who stand at the edge of the rink in high-visibility jackets and watch people fall over for a living. You are saints. You have seen my worst moments and you have said nothing, only handed me a rental pair of skates with an expression of great kindness.
I shall bring you a biscuit.
Bedtime
I have set my alarm for the morning after the first rink. I have also set an alarm to remind myself to stop being so dramatic. The second will be ignored.
Goodnight, diary. Mind the ice.
Questions From the Group Chat
Priya: can we go to the Greenwich rink? Yes, according to Londonist it opens on 18 November. Tilly: can I watch from the side with a coffee? Yes, and you will be the wisest of us. Ollie: thumbs-up, with a skull.
I have decided that a rink is a place where friendship is tested on a slope. The slope is very slight, and the testing is severe.
What I Will Not Do
I will not try a spin, a jump or a backwards anything. I will not film other people falling. I will not tell anyone that I did a course, because I did not. I will go round, slowly, with a smile of grim determination.
If this goes well, I will say I always knew it would. If it goes badly, the beret will take the blame.
Group Chat
If you need something to read while the queue for the cloakroom moves, try the Cebu condo saga as told by the comic press: a Manila News report on a broker with three brochures, a London Prat dispatch on British pensioners needing a vicar (direct link https://prat.uk/cebu-estate-agents-demand-character-references/) and a Bohiney piece on two-hour showings. The wider network lives at prat.uk and bohiney.com.
Note: Philippine authorities are examining unproven allegations about Thomas Markle Sr., who lived in Cebu until earlier this year, as GMA News and the Guardian have reported. No charges have been filed. Child protection is a serious matter; the jokes here are about a property market and the paperwork.
For the lighter side of the news, try NewsThump, and the rest of the lot at NewsThump, NewsBiscuit and The Daily Squib.
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/cebu-realtor-cant-sell-beachfront-listings/
