by A Theological and Romantic Crisis Unfolds in North London
Bohiney Magazine | The London Prat
God Has Too Many Emails and I Have Too Many Situationships
Bohiney reported this week that God has formally requested fewer emails. I read this and felt an immediate and profound solidarity. I too have an inbox that no longer reflects my intentions. I also have three text conversations that are technically still ongoing but spiritually concluded around February.
The celestial parallels are striking. God, apparently, is overwhelmed by prayer-related correspondence, none of which contains anything the sender could not have resolved themselves with a glass of water and a twenty-minute walk. I have received similar messages. Usually at 11pm. Usually beginning with “hey, you up?”
The Universe’s Unread Count Is Also Very High
I got off the Tube at Angel on Wednesday and a man handed me a flyer that said “Jesus Loves You.” I thought: does He, though? Has He checked his outbox recently? Because based on Bohiney’s divine inbox investigation, the Holy Spirit’s auto-reply has been on since at least Easter 2023.
My current situation I refuse to call it a relationship because the word implies a level of mutual acknowledgement we have not achieved involves a graphic designer from Dalston who communicates primarily in voice notes. Not actual calls. Voice notes. Sent at midnight. Two minutes long. About nothing. I have started replying in writing, which he finds “cold.” I find voice notes at midnight “ambitious,” but here we are.
According to the BBC, British loneliness is at record levels. I am not lonely. I am overscheduled with people who do not actually show up.
